Doing December Differently

Here is a free downloadable sample of the book which includes this fresh take on some old words:

Genealogy by Nicola Slee

Matthew 1:1–17

He came from a dysfunctional family.

And I’m not just talking about his mum and dad

(thepregnancy out of wedlock,

the pronounced age difference)

No, it went back much further than that.

There were more than a few skeletons in his cupboard.

Take great King David,

the one they all wrote and sang about, eulogised in the histories,

the family’s pride and joy.

He wasn’t all he was cracked up to be, believe you me.

He might have been Jesse’s golden-haired youngest,

but later, he was conniving and horny,

spying on his officer’s comely wife from the palace balcony

and taking her for his own,

sending soldiers to do away with unsuspecting Uriah

returning victorious from battle. Some victory!

Prostitutes and foreigners aplenty scatter the litter:

women you’d not want your daughters taking after,

even if you can’t help admiring that plucky Rahab.

Some came to a very sorry end.

That poor Tamar! It makes me shudder to even think of her.

Don’t let your children read her story,

it’ll keep them awake for nights on end.

Best not to ask about the ones

whose names have sunk into obscurity,

for fear of what you might uncover:

what unimaginable sleights of hand, sexual perversions,

brutal slayings or tortures.

Who now thinks of Nashon or Asa,

Uzziah, Joham or Jeconiah,

Matthan, Azar or Eliud?

Don’t disturb their memories with your inquisitive fingers.

Keep going back and you end up at Abraham,

another one no better than he ought to be and a whole heap worse.

Right bastard, if you’ll pardon my English.

Played off his wife as his sister, he did,

had it away with his slave girl to get himself a son

and then didn’t lift a finger in her defence

when Sarah sent her packing into the desert

in a fit of jealousy and rage.

Worse of all, he was ready to kill his own precious Isaac

on some highfalutin whim of the Almighty.

That story has been causing trouble for generations

down the family line,

still keeps the menfolk and their offspring fighting.

No, not what you’d call a promising pedigree.

Not surprising he didn’t turn out a happy family man.

Little wonder he stayed single.